you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize