I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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