He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize