Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
