I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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