And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just threw up on my dentist
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
