A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
