Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
