Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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