This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
