i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize