hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
