Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
