she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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