I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Life is so much better after having sex.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize