eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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