i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
