I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
