your parents love me but you hate me
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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