I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
