Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
