If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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