i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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