one might say we're banned from that church
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
