Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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