see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
