We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
True strength comes from lack of pants
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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