your parents love me but you hate me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
