can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
