dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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