i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
