wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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