So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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