she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
