She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
