mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
