this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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