well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
