remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize