Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
