I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
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