I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
