I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
