I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
