It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
