she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
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