Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
