Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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