If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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