I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
