If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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