I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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