Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
