I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
