got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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