My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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