i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
In America we eat man semen.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
