So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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