My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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