1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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