when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's official drugs can't kill me
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
