Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
