I feel like abortions should bother me more
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize